THE ILLUSION OF PROGRESS
Staind
2 1/2 stars

Stained ... but without an “e”! See how cool that is? OK, there's your problem. Fans who have snatched up 12 million albums in the past decade by mopey headbangers Staind (and, likely, tour pals Nickelback) get it. The power-ballad riffs, lyrics, all of it. But to you — you who are mystified by the eternal popularity of what you perceive as vomit-inducing post-grunge acts — it raises the question of why. But the question is not: Why will Staind's sixth studio album sell like hot cakes drenched in Prozac syrup? The question is: Why are you even asking?

The answer is that, quite possibly, you are a lonely snob. You need Staind. Aaron Lewis sings blissfully about feeling gloomy and, conversely, hopeful. Fans don't want true insight as to why he's “one step from a breakdown” on “Pardon Me.” They're seeking collective comfort in simply knowing everyone hates themselves — while soft guitars tickle the verses and layered axes pound choruses. Four slow-grinders in, Lewis has cried himself to sleep (“Believe”), gazed at a star he used to wish on, and wallowed in memories of walking home in the rain (gospel choir-augmented “The Corner”). Moisturized song titles “Raining Again” and “Rainy Day Parade” keep the tears flowing, like, subconsciously.

Lewis turns 37 this year, which would seem to make his shtick feel sillier. Nah. He's just not as mad now. Plus, the formulaic songs are pretty catchy. No track captures the plodding allure of Staind better than “Save Me”: “Just saaaaaave me,” Lewis howls, chain-smoking in a dark room, “from all that I am. You saaaaaave me” — why, you still ask? — “for the (bleep) of it.”